Weight Fluctuations (and how they're making me crazy)

I have been having the most frustrating (and odd!) weight loss fluctuations these past two weeks.

 

I have weighed around the same for the past 2 weeks. This week I have finished slightly under my calorie allowance every day. I have also exercised every day, except for yesterday when I took a break. My weight has fluctuated upwards over the past 7 days. I haven't done anything different from one day to the next. 

 

I am going to throw my scales through the bathroom window soon!

 
Now, I know it is impossible for me to be gaining 1kg over night.  I am eating 1200 calories a day, plus burning 550 calories a day with Tae Bo (on exercsie days I eat 1200+550 calories). 

Yesterday, I took a break from the exercise. I also allowed myself to go around 400 calories over - just because I felt like it! Guess what? I actually lost 'scale' weight for the first time in 3 days.

I guess that as long as I am losing centimeters, I shouldn't really care - however it would be nice to see the numbers going down as well. Trust me when I say that it's really not cool when you've woken up at 6am to exercise, turned down treats all day, stuck to your calorie allowance religiously and gone to bed hungry, only to wake up the next morning and be told that you have put on weight!

Anyway Rome wasn't built overnight.  I have to just keep at it and trust that the formula works.  I won't lie - it is very demotivating, but what is the alternative?

It took me 6 months to put this weight on. I expect it to take the same amount of time for it to come off.  I have tried all the pills, potions and faddy diets.  Calorie counting and exercise are a tried and tested method that always works. I have lost 15kg doing this before, so I know that it just takes patience.

I am just going to have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it!  Onward men!

 

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle

By the way - a friend of mine posted an interesting article a couple of days ago. Check it out.

http://zenhabits.net/the-habit-change-cheatsheet-29-ways-to-successfully-ingrain-a-behavior/

Big Career Decisions (and emotional eating!)

I have been an 'emotional eater' for as long as I can remember.  Even as a child I remember eating sweets to make me feel better.  It's something that I have been trying to deal with for some time now, but it is really hard to interrupt the cycle before it's has completed it's course.

For those that are not familiar with the cycle it goes like this:

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/moodgym

Basically there is an event or news that upsets us - this leads to negative thoughts - this leads to bad feelings about ourselves - this leads to behaviour problems (in this case eating).

Last night was a classic example.  I have been working at a local secondary school as a teaching assistant for the past year.  I retrained whilst working unpaid. I took a drastic drop in salary and position (was an office manager) - but I love it.  What I would love even more though is to become a fully qualified teacher.  I have thought about this many times in my life, but being a very naughty child at school, I didn't think I ever really would.

Fast forward to last night.  I got sick of mulling around in circles, afraid to make a real decision.  I bit the bullet and found out exactly what my options are.  

I called up Canterbury University and explained my situation to them.  They informed me that I probably have the equivalent of somewhere around 120-240 university credits. The big issue I have is that my area of study (offender profiling) will only get me a job as a psychology teacher.  Psych teachers are not really a sought after thing and I will probably struggle to get a job.

Canterbury had two advisable options for me.  

Either I can quit my job and retrain for 2 years, unpaid in a primary school, or I can start studying from 120 credits in a more sought after subject and then do the teacher's training at a secondary school.

Both of these options pose massive issues for me.  

Primary school is not the age I am interested in teaching.  I do think little kids are cute and all, but I adore working with teens.  I love the angst and the drama and their warped but refreshing outlook on the world. I love making them laugh, I love making them think I am nuts and I love winding them up.  Sure, I could go work in primary school but I will be trading an age group I love for a job I love.  The other problems I have with quitting my job is that (a) after my 6 months of working unpaid for my TA qualification, we got into so much debt it was insane.  We are just starting to come out of that debt and live happily again.  It took a really serious toll on my home life and I don't think I can go through that again - let alone put my family through it again (b) I absolutely love the school I am in and wouldn't want to work anywhere else for the world!

The secondary route seems like the more sensible option then - no? Nope! According to Canterbury, the other 240 credits would take 2 years full time (not an option for me) or 4 years through home study (which is what I will be doing!).  Once I have my degree I will still have to do the teacher training for a year.  This means I am looking at 5 years of study. I am almost 33 years old for crying out loud! Where do I have the luxury of that much time?  I know a teacher in my current school that qualified at 38 and another at 40, but I don't have that kind of patience!

I was so torn between decision last night that my head was actually aching.  I felt I was inches away from some sort of breakdown.  It's like one of my dream jobs was being dangled in front of my nose but just to far away for me to grab hold of.

So guess what I did?

I went off to the local Tesco and bought as much comfort food as I could carry and I ate myself into a complete food lull.  When I logged my calories after the storm I was 1800 calories over my target for the day.  That is 1.5 days total food allowance for me (I am on 1200 calories a day)!

The comfort eating cycle was in full swing and it went something like this:

Thoughts: Oh well .. who gives a crap (when clearly I do!) - I can't deal with this rubbish! I'm never going to be a teacher! I should just give up now!

Feelings: Indifference - stress - anger - despair

Behaviour: I'll eat myself into warm, cosy food coma.

I have this thing called GAD (General Anxiety Disorder).  There are many causes that trigger it, but a common trigger is when I can't make a decision.  See, I tend to over analyse everything.  This then makes me anxious and the cycle above starts.  

I was at my GP on Thursday and she strongly recommend that I speak to a professional.  The irony is that my anxiety would never let me get there - I would cancel that appointment within 24 hours of making it! The second option we spoke about was going back on the meds.  I flat out refused (they were what helped me get3 stone over weight to begin with!).  With no satisfaction I was sent away with loads of literature to read and was told to go on something called 'MoodGYM'. 

"MoodGYM is a free self help program to teach cognitive behaviour therapy skills to people vulnerable to depression and anxiety."

I started yesterday and thought it was all pretty basic and obvious. I didn't really want to give up so easily, so I pushed myself to complete at least one exercise.  By the end of that exercise I was smiling at how much the programme's examples of statements reminded me of myself.

I'm not saying I'm cured (not by a long shot!), however I think I may finally begin to recognise triggers and interrupt the cycle before it starts. From now on I need to change my thoughts and reactions to events.  I need to be kinder to myself. I need to practise some of the optimism I spread around and become a nicer person to me!

This week I challenge myself (and anyone else in this cycle), to grab the first negative thought of failure, giving up, not good enough, etc, and immediately change it into something positive.  

So what if you ate that chocolate - are you going to hate yourself, give up, decide you're not worth anything and then eat everything in sight?  I'd suggest replacing those feelings with forgiving yourself for slipping up, reminding yourself that you are human and treating yourself to a long bath to apologise or doing a bit of gym if you feel you need this to allow you to forgive yourself.

If anyone is interested in the MoodGYM for anxiety, depression or just to break your comfort eating cycle, you can find it here:

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/moodgym

You have to register to get into the programme but everything is free.  It does start off very basic, but give it a chance.  I think it will surprise you.

As for today's weigh-in, I'm afraid you will have to wait until tomorrow morning.  Any weight gain today will be inflated way above what it really is and I don't want an excuse to beat myself up!

*Weight to lose: 16kg (35.05lbs) - It all starts with a single step!*

Sad Times - the death of a good friend

Woke up to some bad news today.  A friend of mine has killed himself.  Apparently it took them 2 days to find him.  That is so tragic. So lonely.

This morning I went on to Facebook and a mutual friend of ours had posted "RIP Brendan".  I didn't think it was my Brendan but I called him just in case.  As soon as the call went through it went straight into voice mail.  For some reason I just knew it then - my blood was ice. I went onto Brendan's Facebook page and there they were, all the "RIP" messages staring at me - forcing me into acceptance.

Brendan called me last Sunday and spoke to me about his split up with his long time boyfriend (the asshole!).  I remember thinking that Brendan was quite teary when he called last week and that I should really call him this week sometime to make sure he is coping with it.  Then I got lost in life and work and just never got around to it.  I forgot - now I'll never get around to making that call.    

Brendan is a total drama queen but also a long time sufferer from depression.  I have received phone calls from him in the past saying that he has either tried to kill himself, thinking about it or just him bawling his eyes out over some or other menial thing.  I was completely naive and always thought he was just being Brendan - the drama queen. Half the stuff he said I never took seriously - I'd been hearing it for years. There were some instances when I didn't even answer when he called because I didn't have the energy to deal with him. That sounds so selfish and ignorant now.

Brendan's friend has told me that just before the suicide they all went out and had drinks. Apparently Brendan was laughing and joking and being his usual bitchy self.  Then he went home and calmly killed himself.  They say he wanted to die and that he had made the decision already days before. They say that no one would have been able to stop him. Still - I would have liked to try or at least got a chance to tell him how much I care for him before he was gone.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to carry that darkness inside of you. The fantasy of which day of the week you will kill yourself on and what method you are going to use. Knowing Brendan he even had his outfit planned out so he could leave in style.

I am going to miss my silly, over the top friend.  All the mad phone calls about his world falling apart for the smallest thing and the good times perving over my husband!

So the old cliche rings true and I realise once again how fragile life is.  How short our time on this earth really is. Don't wait people - pick up the phone and call your friends and loved ones.  We are all special and we all need to be loved.  Don't ever assume someone is as strong as you are and never think they will bounce back.  One day they might just not.

RIP my beautiful friend.  I will miss you forever x

Smutty little B performing as Ann Gwish (WARNING: PG18)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36YgkET9sFU&feature=related

Just Do It ... Now! Stop Making Excuses.

Something I've noticed is that laziness seems to be a disease.  The more you give in to it, the worst it becomes.  It's contagious and spreads like wildfire.

A few years ago I used to spend ages looking up beauty tips, making my own facial ingredients, doing my nails, giving myself pedicures, steaming my face, plucking my eyebrows, putting on all sorts of body creams, and basically anything that made me feel beautiful.

In addition to this, my house was always clean, my social life was always full, my friends never felt like they were being left out and my work was always done.

For the past few years I feel like I have been floating through the days in this procrastination haze - always putting things off, but having no real reason for doing so.  With all the spare time I had from leaving out all my cleaning and beautifying, I have loads more time to eat, snack and obsess about food!

I've had a really productive day today. It included over an hours walk with my little sister in the park and loads of house work (I even managed to bleach out and defrost the freezer!).  After dinner though I still felt like there was nothing to do - this invariably leads to snacking. I mulled around for about 5 minutes, hanging out in the kitchen like a freak.  Then I thought of sweeping the floor and drying the dishes. My first reaction was a very loud "Not a chance!" from within.  Then I thought about it carefully - what else was I going to do?  There was no reason for me not to get on with it.  I have nothing planned for tonight and I have been off work for 2 weeks - so why not? 

I grabbed the broom and swept the floor, I also sorted out dishes.  When I was done I looked over and saw my one and only 'hand wash' shirt lying on top of the washing machine, where it has been since I last wore it on the 3rd December. I decided that while I was on top of things I may as well get on with washing the shirt.  Can you believe after putting it off all this time it took me a whole of 5 minutes and hardly any effort at all?

This got me thinking about how many things I put off every single day and whether this has a link to me over weight. I'm guessing it does. I remember when I first lost loads of weight I told my parents that I couldn't get over how much more time I had on my hands when I wasn't snacking. I was genuinely surprised at the time I wasted on eating each day. My experience seems to scream that the two things go hand in hand.

So this is the new me in this new year.  My motto now is "Just do it! Now. Not tomorrow.  Not in 5 minutes.  Do it now."

A very wise Earl Nightingale said:

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."

Right! I'm off to get all my old facial stuff out and make myself feel like a princess.

Avoiding Temptations - dieting success

Last night, I should have received the weightloss saint award.
Not only did I say 'no' to food, I denied it 3 times.
I was out with the family at Fremlin Walk. We all went to see the Christmas lights.
As we wouldn't be home for dinner, I knew we would be eating out. The big push was for McDonalds. My brother has 3 small kids, and as most parents know, the big M is always a cheap and cheerful option. Did I crumble? Did my tummy go nuts when we walked past KFC? Did visions of Burger King dance in my head? You bet they did. Yours truly, however, walked on to Subway, and was rewarded with a 6 inch Italian cheese and herb with ham, turkey breast and every salad you can imagine. Worth waiting for!
Later when I came home, our temporary border had news of his departure. It would appear he found himself a flat. This is not certain he says, but is probably a sure thing.  To celebrate he said we should have some cheese cake. I immediately denied his offer, of course, reminding him I was on a diet. House mate (totally unaccustomed to diets), said "stuff your diet! We're celebrating!".  My very well trained excuse for eating centre in my brain went wild. There was echos of "of course" and "don't you see his very valid point", right down to the guilt trip of "poor guy has just come through a divorce and is getting back on his feet, celebrate with him and don't be so selfish!". I reacted by calling once again on my inner saint.
I decided at this point it would be safer for me upstairs, away from the evil treats of mankind. Got on my trusty 'My Fitness Pal' app, and logged my calories for the day.
Now you must know that since the house mate's purchase of the evil cheese cake, I have been saintly by pretending it was not there - that was 2 days ago. Yesterday I cut the smallest slice possible and took it to work for a midmorning snack. I ate this guilt free, as the slice was tiny, and I knew I had the calorie allowance for it. 
I populated my food diary with my saintly foods, and finally added the cheese cake. To my absolute horror the horrible little beasty came in at 265 calories!
As many dieters will tell you, that is the ultimate excuse to blow your diet for the day. It's a case of everything is ruined anyway so I may as well just eat everything because I hate the world, and myself, and I don't care anymore.
Did I admit knowing the blessed little treasures in the kitchen downstairs? I did not! A third time I denied them.
My reward was not 3 pieces of silver, but a whopping 0.7kg weigh loss over night.
Do I hear a cock crowing some where?