Woke up to some bad news today. A friend of mine has killed himself. Apparently it took them 2 days to find him. That is so tragic. So lonely.
This morning I went on to Facebook and a mutual friend of ours had posted "RIP Brendan". I didn't think it was my Brendan but I called him just in case. As soon as the call went through it went straight into voice mail. For some reason I just knew it then - my blood was ice. I went onto Brendan's Facebook page and there they were, all the "RIP" messages staring at me - forcing me into acceptance.
Brendan called me last Sunday and spoke to me about his split up with his long time boyfriend (the asshole!). I remember thinking that Brendan was quite teary when he called last week and that I should really call him this week sometime to make sure he is coping with it. Then I got lost in life and work and just never got around to it. I forgot - now I'll never get around to making that call.
Brendan is a total drama queen but also a long time sufferer from depression. I have received phone calls from him in the past saying that he has either tried to kill himself, thinking about it or just him bawling his eyes out over some or other menial thing. I was completely naive and always thought he was just being Brendan - the drama queen. Half the stuff he said I never took seriously - I'd been hearing it for years. There were some instances when I didn't even answer when he called because I didn't have the energy to deal with him. That sounds so selfish and ignorant now.
Brendan's friend has told me that just before the suicide they all went out and had drinks. Apparently Brendan was laughing and joking and being his usual bitchy self. Then he went home and calmly killed himself. They say he wanted to die and that he had made the decision already days before. They say that no one would have been able to stop him. Still - I would have liked to try or at least got a chance to tell him how much I care for him before he was gone.
I can't imagine what it must have been like to carry that darkness inside of you. The fantasy of which day of the week you will kill yourself on and what method you are going to use. Knowing Brendan he even had his outfit planned out so he could leave in style.
I am going to miss my silly, over the top friend. All the mad phone calls about his world falling apart for the smallest thing and the good times perving over my husband!
So the old cliche rings true and I realise once again how fragile life is. How short our time on this earth really is. Don't wait people - pick up the phone and call your friends and loved ones. We are all special and we all need to be loved. Don't ever assume someone is as strong as you are and never think they will bounce back. One day they might just not.
RIP my beautiful friend. I will miss you forever x
Smutty little B performing as Ann Gwish (WARNING: PG18)
