I have been an 'emotional eater' for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I remember eating sweets to make me feel better. It's something that I have been trying to deal with for some time now, but it is really hard to interrupt the cycle before it's has completed it's course.
For those that are not familiar with the cycle it goes like this:
Basically there is an event or news that upsets us - this leads to negative thoughts - this leads to bad feelings about ourselves - this leads to behaviour problems (in this case eating).
Last night was a classic example. I have been working at a local secondary school as a teaching assistant for the past year. I retrained whilst working unpaid. I took a drastic drop in salary and position (was an office manager) - but I love it. What I would love even more though is to become a fully qualified teacher. I have thought about this many times in my life, but being a very naughty child at school, I didn't think I ever really would.
Fast forward to last night. I got sick of mulling around in circles, afraid to make a real decision. I bit the bullet and found out exactly what my options are.
I called up Canterbury University and explained my situation to them. They informed me that I probably have the equivalent of somewhere around 120-240 university credits. The big issue I have is that my area of study (offender profiling) will only get me a job as a psychology teacher. Psych teachers are not really a sought after thing and I will probably struggle to get a job.
Canterbury had two advisable options for me.
Either I can quit my job and retrain for 2 years, unpaid in a primary school, or I can start studying from 120 credits in a more sought after subject and then do the teacher's training at a secondary school.
Both of these options pose massive issues for me.
Primary school is not the age I am interested in teaching. I do think little kids are cute and all, but I adore working with teens. I love the angst and the drama and their warped but refreshing outlook on the world. I love making them laugh, I love making them think I am nuts and I love winding them up. Sure, I could go work in primary school but I will be trading an age group I love for a job I love. The other problems I have with quitting my job is that (a) after my 6 months of working unpaid for my TA qualification, we got into so much debt it was insane. We are just starting to come out of that debt and live happily again. It took a really serious toll on my home life and I don't think I can go through that again - let alone put my family through it again (b) I absolutely love the school I am in and wouldn't want to work anywhere else for the world!
The secondary route seems like the more sensible option then - no? Nope! According to Canterbury, the other 240 credits would take 2 years full time (not an option for me) or 4 years through home study (which is what I will be doing!). Once I have my degree I will still have to do the teacher training for a year. This means I am looking at 5 years of study. I am almost 33 years old for crying out loud! Where do I have the luxury of that much time? I know a teacher in my current school that qualified at 38 and another at 40, but I don't have that kind of patience!
I was so torn between decision last night that my head was actually aching. I felt I was inches away from some sort of breakdown. It's like one of my dream jobs was being dangled in front of my nose but just to far away for me to grab hold of.
So guess what I did?
I went off to the local Tesco and bought as much comfort food as I could carry and I ate myself into a complete food lull. When I logged my calories after the storm I was 1800 calories over my target for the day. That is 1.5 days total food allowance for me (I am on 1200 calories a day)!
The comfort eating cycle was in full swing and it went something like this:
Thoughts: Oh well .. who gives a crap (when clearly I do!) - I can't deal with this rubbish! I'm never going to be a teacher! I should just give up now!
Feelings: Indifference - stress - anger - despair
Behaviour: I'll eat myself into warm, cosy food coma.
I have this thing called GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). There are many causes that trigger it, but a common trigger is when I can't make a decision. See, I tend to over analyse everything. This then makes me anxious and the cycle above starts.
I was at my GP on Thursday and she strongly recommend that I speak to a professional. The irony is that my anxiety would never let me get there - I would cancel that appointment within 24 hours of making it! The second option we spoke about was going back on the meds. I flat out refused (they were what helped me get3 stone over weight to begin with!). With no satisfaction I was sent away with loads of literature to read and was told to go on something called 'MoodGYM'.
"MoodGYM is a free self help program to teach cognitive behaviour therapy skills to people vulnerable to depression and anxiety."
I started yesterday and thought it was all pretty basic and obvious. I didn't really want to give up so easily, so I pushed myself to complete at least one exercise. By the end of that exercise I was smiling at how much the programme's examples of statements reminded me of myself.
I'm not saying I'm cured (not by a long shot!), however I think I may finally begin to recognise triggers and interrupt the cycle before it starts. From now on I need to change my thoughts and reactions to events. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to practise some of the optimism I spread around and become a nicer person to me!
So what if you ate that chocolate - are you going to hate yourself, give up, decide you're not worth anything and then eat everything in sight? I'd suggest replacing those feelings with forgiving yourself for slipping up, reminding yourself that you are human and treating yourself to a long bath to apologise or doing a bit of gym if you feel you need this to allow you to forgive yourself.
If anyone is interested in the MoodGYM for anxiety, depression or just to break your comfort eating cycle, you can find it here:
You have to register to get into the programme but everything is free. It does start off very basic, but give it a chance. I think it will surprise you.
As for today's weigh-in, I'm afraid you will have to wait until tomorrow morning. Any weight gain today will be inflated way above what it really is and I don't want an excuse to beat myself up!
*Weight to lose: 16kg (35.05lbs) - It all starts with a single step!*
